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16 March 2009 @ 10:45 pm
the day the music died  
from facebook:

some of you know that i've had a very rough time in my personal life over the last 4 months. others probably surmised from things i've said in my status update or things i've posted on my wall. i guess some might think to talk about it publically is a poor strategic move, considering i use my facebook account for so much NOW business. i don't really think that it is though. sometimes we go through traumatic events in our personal lives, and reacting to them doesn't make us bad people it makes us human. i don't think there's an organism on this earth that reacts well to stress.

truthfully i'm very sad that the Social Justice NOW! Film Series is over because it was something realy positive that i got to focus my energy on, and it was so rewarding to watch it be the success that it was. i really believe in MS NOW and i don't think that you will find a group of really dedicated activists that care more than the officers of MS NOW and our chapters do - regardless of what the universe throws our way in other areas of our lives.

since december of 2008, the foundation that i had built my life on has crumbled before my eyes. my parents have separated and are divorcing after nearly 40 years of marriage. i lost someone i was deeply in love with, and i also lost one of my closest friends. these things in rapid succession sent me into a grief that i have never experienced before. love - no matter what type of love it is - is something that we want to be able to believe in unconditionally. the love of our families, our lovers, our friends, i think to do it we have to believe that there is a stability to it. in a world that is constantly changing we all have things that we believe to be CERTAIN, and people whom are our rocks. despite the fact that my parent's relationship was never overtly positive, the unit of my immediate family: my mother, father, and sister was something that seemed immovable. the rock that i used as a foundation for my future, because i knew no matter what life was going to throw at me i had a safe place to come back to and heal.

certainly none of us are strangers to divorce. most of my friends have divorced at least once. even my gay friends have had relationships where they wore rings and had committment ceremonies that while not legally recognized ended in a sort of emotional divorce. my first marriage ended in divorce as half of all marriages in the united states do. i know i have no corner on the grief that comes from being a child (adult or otherwise) of divorce. it's a difficult thing though, as an adult, to switch places with your parents. i've had many moments since being an adult where i realized that my parents were never as omiscient as i thought they were as a child; mostly because as i get older the more i realize how little i know. the progression from teenager to adulthood is a regression of sorts because we go from where we know it all to where we are pretty damn sure we never will :) i think that's beautiful in a way.

as a longtime student of psychology, i find myself challenging myself to take everything i know and apply it to myself and my own life in a way that we never quite can. it is hard to not be swept away by the moment when my mother calls me sobbing; when my father tries to become my best friend. . when i want to text something to the friend i no longer speak to, when something innoculous reminds me of the person i was in love with. . as carrie bradshaw of one of my all time favourite shows sex & the city once said, "as we journey down this road called 'who we want to be' i can't help but whine, are we there yet?" [paraphrased as i can't remmeber the exact quote].

i have started working again with the most talented counselor i have ever met (i say talent because i believe ultimately that there is a je ne sais quoi to the helping field. you need a tremendous ammount of education for sure, but in the end there is something that cannot be taught about helping others heal.) kimberly kinsey lmft. one of the things that i absolutely loved about the mental health technologies program i went through at sinclair is that they had absolutely NO stigma with counseling. as really no one in the field should. i remember one of my first classes, susan who is an LSW said to the class "are you in counseling? get in counseling. if you don't need it yet, you will." we learned how to lead group therapy by essentially getting credit hours for being IN group therapy. i also had the horror and priviledge to work for one of the best Gestalt therapists in the country, C. Jesse Carlock, PhD. Which would drive anyone into therapy were they not already there. lol.

i digress as i am apt to do which is why i rarely blog on facebook. about ten years ago i came to a personal realization that was this: lying to others about where you are is the second step that comes after lying to yourself. to that end i created a website that was essentially about baring myself to the world. after a while, that website wasn't really necessary. there are few things i believe in more than blunt, unrepentant honesty. not honesty that hurts others or honesty that absolves us of personal responsibility, but just honesty for honesty's sake. i think a lot of life is sadly based on trying to make sure that other people know how much better we are than they are. . things that don't hold up behind closed doors. perfection, status, i hope we have all lived long enough and true enough to know that there is no such thing as the perfect family, the perfect marriage, the perfect person. how boring would perfection be? still we have walls that protect us from strangers when sadly sometimes the ones we really need protection from are the ones that are already in our walls, who know our shortcomings and will use them against us in a way no stranger ever would.

so this is a quintessential stacey kind of note. :) it's hard to reach out to others when you are going through hard times. it's especially hard for me. i have been a student of "do as i say not as i do" for about as long as i've been alive. i have often urged friends to reach out when i myself was going through things that i refused to let others in on. i'm not sure what it is, this fear that most people seem to have of being vulnerable. are we afraid it will be used against us? probably. the truth is that no one can care unless you allow them to. if we had the ability to thrive alone we wouldn't have this need engrained in us to have friends. after we get burned time and time and time again we put up walls as a defense mechanism, but maybe those walls do more harm than good. so this is where i'm at for anyone caring enough to read this. . mending a broken heart, that has been broken not only by romantic love but by loss of friendship, betrayal of trust, and the breakdown of a family that no matter how dysfunctional was something i believed would last forever. i cannot harden my heart to this pain, nor would i want to.

it is in the times of hardship that one finds out what he or she is truly made of, and better yet what those one surrounds themselves with are made of. whatever pain i am going through - and truly at times i felt that my soul had died - i know that i am learning, i know that i am made better by the people who's love has proven unshakable, and ultimately it is rather freeing to remember that no matter what i do who i am is who i am. and i am really not a person that's ever been good at hiding :)