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08 February 2007 @ 08:16 pm
i first heard that anna nicole had passed today at work. it was about 4pm and i had a customer on hold as i processed a return/add on for her. jackie, the manager of the team that sits on the 2nd half of my row came over and told her team "i just heard anna nicole died in florida!!" because i am pretty far down in the row, i said "what?!" but no one heard me. the general opinion of jackie and her team was that larry birkhead had either killed or had anna nicole killed. for those of you that don't follow american tabloids, larry claims to be the father of anna nicole's daughter dannielynn while anna nicole claimed the father was her long-time lawyer/confidant/friend/sycophant howard K stern.

while i admit that anna nicole was not a role-model for anyone, anna nicole was the quintessential american star. unappologetic, not content to fade into the shadows, anna nicole was intrigued & in lust with what we all are afraid to admit we want: fame, infamy, notoriousness, anna nicole was the worst of american celebrities. she was famous for her body, her lovers, her flamboyant personality, her drug abuse, and her almost pathological desire to simply BE FAMOUS. anna nicole was the dictionary definition of someone that wanted to become famous, who didn't really care what for.

i don't know much about her honestly. but i believe anna nicole was one of those women who had such extreme low self-esteem that she simply had to become famous to justify to herself that she was worth something. i will admit i did watch "the anna nicole show" on E, with my exhusband, we were both disgusted and intrigued and equally embarassed & yet unable to stop watching. it was a train-wreck, a disaster, the life of a woman who simply did not have anything below sea level.

i think that anna wasn't even so much her own person as she was "everybody else's girl". if we wanted her for her tits, her ass, her there and then gone again money, her celebrity life, her entourage, her notority, her ability to always "bounce back", gaining and losing and then using her fame to capitalize on her weight gain & loss... her constant court battles, her over the top persona...

love her or hate her or hate to love her, anna is and was always the american celerity: shallow, stupid, vapid, beautiful but with an edge, addicted, sorrowful, depressed, calmoring, wanting, needing, asking YOU - the american public the view to give her a reason to be a reason to live, an identity. anna was everything we love to hate about america. shallow, pathetic, and yet for some reason we as the public needed and wanted to watch her, to have a piece of her. i suppose that's the digusting truth about america today. it doesn't matter if you have a brain in your head, or even a body really. all that matters is that you find a way into the tabloids, into pop culture and love or hate you we will watch you. that's all it takes to gain a name here. it doesn't take talent or beauty or even smarts, all it takes is being in the right place in the right time, or just fighting so hard for a name that someone finally takes notice.

anna was barely more than a glorified porn star, and yet, she has become an american icon. love her or hate her or don't even care she fought her way into pop culture. i admit that in my viewing of her life and her tv show i felt that anna was trying to dupe us all in her claims that she wasn't a drug addict, or alcohol, or something. that girl was hopped up on something. when i watched the episode of her show where she climbed into a dirty bathtub of a house that she was interested in buying and warblingly went on an on about something...

that award show where she slurred beeeeeeauitfullllll duuuuuuuueeeets those trim-spa commercials where she seemed a bit off. i did admire her tenacity. she was never going to fade out, that girl was going to go with an explosion. i almost hope - for her - that larry birkhead did kill her because i know that it would mean more to her to have a conspiracy, something gathering media attention, than to just have ODed as we were all waiting for in some hotel.

i feel for anna because i identify a little bit with her. i have always wanted to be famous. though i have wanted it to be because of what i create - films, music, poetry, writing, social commentary - i have always had that in me, that need, that desire that inescapable WANT. i wrote a entry years ago about the porn star savannah, who imploded in her own desire for fame and the shame of being a porn star. i felt an inexplicable love for her, and a hatred for all those that used her. but savannah had an innocence about her that anna nicole never did. anna always seemed to be using her sexuality - consciously - for her desired fame.

i don't think anyone deserves death though. whether she finally imploded in her desire for thinness and fame or whether she was murdered, or whether that is just the way the hand played out for her...anna nicole, though i despise american and at the same time crave the fame it can provide...in ways i understand what you needed & craved...in ways i idolized you as i despised you... i always believed that you were entitled to the money that they wanted to deprive you, whether you used your sexuality to get it i always believed your ancient husband loved you. whatever you did to get what you had, i always pitied and envied you...if you had a bigger brain or IQ you might've done it more inteligently but whatever the outcome...

you were an american icon, and like you or hate you we all have to admit that you are notorious.
i admire that. i hope that you rest easy. whether i agree with how you obtained your fame i hope that you are at peace now. i hope you have reunited with your beloved son daniel. i think that once he went, your love for him was so all-consuming that there was a short ammount of time that you would go on. i think he gave you a reason to live, i think that your love for him was the only thing that kept you human, that kept you from becoming that vampiritic hollywood fame sucking demon that we have seen others become.

i hope you are at peace. i wish you peace, i wish you the happiness that your life here could never provide.
i wish you a peace that no one can find here - especially not us fame seekers.
and i hope that they will give you a little tiny piece of dignity in death.
while you never sought it in life,
i believe that in death we all deserve a little dignity.

x-posted to ladylamia
girl feels: sympatheticsomber